Never in a million years........
I cannot believe the amount of wasted energy that I have spent over the course of my life forcing things to happen. Little did I know all I was actually doing was adding an element of frustration on to something that wasn’t going to happen anyway. I have finally come to realize that there really is no way for me to plan what comes next. Everything starts with our intuition, we are born with it. It is from there, that if we listen, we can then begin to “plan” in accordance to that feeling.
This sounds so much easier than it actually is. It is in my nature, as a human being, with an ego, to try to make things go my way. I have to realize, be aware, and own this on a moment to moment basis. This means I have to take a step back and notice when I am forcing something.
I laugh a lot when I find myself slipping into my childish behavior. I can just imagine back when I was a little girl, and I compare it to this. Me standing outside, crossing my arms, with a big pout on my face, refusing to go inside the house when the streetlights went on. It didn’t matter how long, or how many evenings I would do this, I would still eventually have to go into the house, only now I would be in trouble for not listening.
Nowadays, I listen.
Never in a million years did I think I would be moving back to my home town in Ohio. When I left thirty-two years ago, that was it. It wasn’t until my fourteen year old (one of my four teenagers) started slipping a bit, challenging me a bit, and was dealing with her own struggles. Something that I was highly aware of, having been that age myself once as well.
So I did what any good parent would do…. I threatened her.
Now that being said, please, anyone from my home town, don’t take this personally. You will soon see how wrong I was.
My threat was to send her to stay with my mother (Mimi) for a couple of weeks over the summer, adding to the fact that if she didn’t get her act together I would move her there permanently. There was no doubt in my mind that this would get her back on track, I mean come on, we live in Manhattan Beach, CA. Off she went, that was at the end of July, 2020.
I had no idea at the time that my plan would back fire, and that one month later, I would be putting her on a plane to move with my mother permanently. Her exact words, upon returning to California after her visit were,
“I am done here…..I want to move to Ohio and live with Mimi.”
So hold on a moment, I was definitely not prepared for this. After the “shock and awe” subsided, I began to realize that this was happening. Although I wasn't ready to let her go, this was already put in motion. Any resistance to this, was only going to affect me. Off she went for the second time, only now it would be permanent. I was so sad, but it wasn’t about me.
Fast forward to mid September, exactly one month later. I went to visit her. It was so strange. I felt like an outsider looking in on her new life. Apparently she took “get your act together” to heart. She completely turned it around, she was thriving in school and in her sport, but more than anything, she was happy!
I, on the other hand was not feeling so great. I kept asking myself the question, “What does this mean?” and then pretended that I didn’t know the answer. Actually, I more than pretended, I started an all out battle in my mind. It began like this….”Could it be we are meant to move back to Ohio, so we can be together as a family? Then the thoughts infiltrated my mind uncontrollably, kind of like a bunch of kids, jumping in a pool at the sound of the whistle, after an adult swim. There is no way this is what we are supposed to do! When I left Ohio thirty-two years ago, it was for good! I cannot go back! We live at the beach now, this was a dream come true! We came here with my late husband eleven years ago, when we were a family of six. Now, without him, I could not possibly take us away from here. This was the home that we lived in with him, how do we let this go?
It was as if right at that moment, despite my own battle going on, it was already happening. In fact, I believe it had been in motion years before I became aware of it. Change is inevitable, it helps us grow, and I feel the more we are open to it, the easier our life becomes, because nothing is permanent. The feeling that we needed a change had been growing inside of me for the utmost of three years. I just didn’t know when this would happen, or more importantly where. But when I stopped and listened to what was going on deep inside of me, I definitely felt it, I knew this was the answer. The tough part was accepting it. So I asked myself, “Why am I fighting something I feel?”, This move was the most obvious answer, and I realized the biggest aspect of this was the fact that it was meant to happen all along.
One month later we moved back to Ohio. Although it was a difficult change and never in“my”original plan, life had a different plan for us.
The most valuable lesson in all of this is for me to stop forcing, to stop resisting, and to begin feeling. There are gentle nudges that are so apparent surrounding all of us when we are present in our day to day life. It is not something that we can find out there, it is something that we can only feel within.
I now remind myself constantly to be present, to feel, to allow, and to accept.
Not only is it very empowering but I feel it is a much more peaceful way for to live.
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